Sometime ago I made the decision to commit to opening myself to the possibility of love. You see I am the rare 41-year-old chocolate unicorn (I said what I said) that has never been in love. I’ve liked, lusted and admired but never loved. I knew that my commitment needed to include a level of transparency that makes my entire being uncomfortable. I knew that I would have to look in the mirror and see passed all that I deem to be wrong with me. I knew that I would have to use all the resources available to me to successfully navigate the world of online dating. I knew that this would be the most difficult and exhilarating journey of my life. As you can see I hyped myself up for this. I was ready…
I leaped. I jumped. I was transparent. I was witty. I was cute. I was sexy. I was intelligent. I was open to all the possibilities. I was not prepared for the lessons that would soon follow and expose some truths and some lies about who I am. Online dating exposed hidden insecurities and it empowered me as a sexual being. I became a ball of emotions and realized that my self-discovery was just beginning. I was just touching the surface of all that I am and all that I wish to be.
The most shocking part of my journey was my exploration of orgasms. Now don’t get me wrong I have had many over my life but none as dynamic as those that were the result of one night encounters. You know the encounters I’m talking about. The ones that society feels the need to judge. You know that taboo topic of a woman who simply wants to engage in the equal exchange of pleasure. For the first time in my entire life I felt free to be that woman and baby let me tell you this, I had mind blowing sex with the most amazing penis. It wasn’t just amazing in size but the man it was attached to has perfected the art of giving pleasure. I won’t go into the salacious details but yes it was the best sex of my LIFE.
Not all my encounters were sexual and not all left me feeling pleased. I found myself asking why I wasn’t good enough to find someone to build with. I know that some will say I settled or accepted sex as a consolation. I did neither. I simply allowed myself the space to explore my multifaceted existence as a black woman who happens to enjoy sex. It’s not a bad thing and we have to stop bastardizing WOC for being sexual beings.
After a year of trying different sites some paid and some free, I pulled down all my profiles. I needed time to re-evaluate my approach and to spend some time understanding all my new self-discoveries. I needed time to navigate a sometimes painful and complicated life. The time I took was valuable and brought me to new understandings and enlightenments.
This year I plan to explore the possibilities of love once again. I’m not doing so in an effort to find my soul mate. I am not even sure if such a man exist. I want to explore the many faces of love and how they shape my immediate wants and needs and the world that surrounds me. I want to know if love always wins. I want to know if love really pulls us out of those very dark places are minds take us. I want to know if love dies. I want to know if love has power. I want to know if love can keep me interested in being alive at this time and in this world. I hope you all will join me as I embark on this new journey of self-discovery and all things love.